A friend of mine just started making Ghee and he puts it on all of his food… including in his coffee. I daintily started using ghee because it is so delicious and supposed to be good for you… but was fighting my epic fear of oil and fat with every little dab into the jar. But… it’s so tasty that a few weeks later I found myself dipping my entire spoon in the jar, pulling out a spoonful and putting it DIRECTLY into my mouth, multiple times per day! He came over for dinner a few weeks later and we cooked with it.. and then he put 4-5 tablespoons on top of the food, in addition!!! I was FREAKING OUT, but it was sooooo delicious!!! Inside my head… I’m going.. you just wait for the poundage and self-hatred that comes with it to hit you! You just wait for this impending future of doom and disgust to hit you!! You will be sorry! You better control yourself!! But, alas… it’s been months and the terrible looking ‘fat’ forecast never came true.
TRYING TO BE SMALLER:
Years and years of making myself smaller through not eating, slightly eating, only allowing myself to eat when I was ridiculously hungry, cutting myself off before I was full, crazy exercise routines, diets, and cleanses. The consequences of that were exhaustion, depletion, lack of endurance, joint and muscle aching from not repairing themselves, pale skin, bags under my eyes, bloating, food allergies, scarring from acne because my skin wasn’t repairing, being cold all the time, an immune system that was on high-alert about everything, and one year… most of my hair fell out!
INSECURE / SECURE-IN
My shiatsu teacher just worked with me on the word “insecure” and she switched it around to be “SECURE – IN”…. we talked about leaving our experience… leaving this body to go outside and feel around — check with others to see if I’m ok… going to check with the “experts” about whether my form is good enough. We talked about how the very action of being outside my own experience creates a lot of “doubt” and distrust…it’s hard to feel anything when you are outside of it instead of in it. Outside, looking in, evaluating with the thoughts and thinking mind… instead of inside feeling real body experience, what’s it asking for? It’s a kind of self abandonment. I think a lot of this comes from our cultures thinking that there is a perfect body and that one’s own is inherently flawed.
RIGHT OR WRONG:
I have watched myself get so caught up in being right or wrong and worries about making the correct choice, that it pulls me right out of my experience…. the real lived and felt experience right here in this body… which actually is trustable and guides us on an epic level in making choices.
WHAT AM I WANTING THROUGH THIS STRATEGY? TO BE BIGGER!!! TO TAKE UP SPACE!!!
I want to know that I am good so that I can take up the space I need to take up. I want to know that I am right so that I can be who I am fully. I want to know that I have a right to be myself so that I can get my needs met and no one can tell me that I’m not perfect enough to deserve those things. I want to listen to my heart and do what it tells me to do. I want to know that it’s okay to be fully myself. I want to take up space! I WANT TO BE BIGGER!!! I don’t want to have to ask permission, I just want to do it! I’m gonna die one day and I need this experience, what if I never give that to myself?!
Somewhere along the way, our culture sold me on having a perfect body so that I can have whatever I want…. as if it were a two step process?!!! I bought it… and now, I’m saying… NO THANKS!!! DOESN’T SERVE MY HEART! IT’S NOT WORKING!!! I’LL JUST GO RIGHT AHEAD AND TAKE UP THE SPACE NOW, YAHOO!
HOW DO WE KNOW HOW MUCH SPACE WE NEED?
Just get to know your heart!